When Good People Have Affairs

A world-renowned therapist, Mira Kirshenbaum has treated thousands of men and women caught in the powerful drama over what to do when an affair reaches into their emotional lives. Now, in When Good People Have Affairs, Kirshenbaum puts her unsurpassed experience into one clear, calming place. She gives readers everything they need to cut through the thickets of fear, hurt and confusion to find their ways to happier, more solid relationships with the person who's right for them. For example, Kirshenbaum identifies seventeen types of affairs, helping readers figure out which type they're in and what it means. Is it a: --"See-if" affair? --Ejector-seat affair? --Distraction affair? --Unmet-needs affair? --Panic affair? Kirshenbaum encourages honest answers to such questions as: --What am I missing in my marriage? --How do I decide between two people when it's like comparing an apple to an orange? --How do I decide to end my marriage, end my affair, or end them both? She leads readers through six easy-to-navigate steps that will take anyone from anxiety to clarity. When Good People Have Affairs will be a lifeline to any man or woman who feels caught between two lovers, and its insights are indispensable to anyone else touched by an affair.

"A fresh look at infidelity, broadening the focus from the havoc it wreaks within a committed relationship to consider also why people do it, what it means to them, and why breaking up is the expected response to duplicity — but not necessarily the wisest one.” — LA Review of Books From iconic couples’ therapist and bestselling author of Mating in Captivity comes a provocative and controversial look at infidelity with practical, honest, and empathetic advice for how to move beyond it. An affair: it can rob a couple of their relationship, their happiness, their very identity. And yet, this extremely common human experience is so poorly understood. What are we to make of this time-honored taboo—universally forbidden yet universally practiced? Why do people cheat—even those in happy marriages? Why does an affair hurt so much? When we say infidelity, what exactly do we mean? Do our romantic expectations of marriage set us up for betrayal? Is there such a thing as an affair-proof marriage? Is it possible to love more than one person at once? Can an affair ever help a marriage? Perel weaves real-life case stories with incisive psychological and cultural analysis in this fast-paced and compelling book. For the past ten years, Perel has traveled the globe and worked with hundreds of couples who have grappled with infidelity. Betrayal hurts, she writes, but it can be healed. An affair can even be the doorway to a new marriage—with the same person. With the right approach, couples can grow and learn from these tumultuous experiences, together or apart. Affairs, she argues, have a lot to teach us about modern relationships—what we expect, what we think we want, and what we feel entitled to. They offer a unique window into our personal and cultural attitudes about love, lust, and commitment. Through examining illicit love from multiple angles, Perel invites readers into an honest, enlightened, and entertaining exploration of modern marriage in its many variations. Fiercely intelligent, The State of Affairs provides a daring framework for understanding the intricacies of love and desire. As Perel observes, “Love is messy; infidelity more so. But it is also a window, like no other, into the crevices of the human heart.”

When it comes to adultery, never say, “It won’t happen to me.” Just when you think your marriage is safe from adultery is when you may be the most vulnerable. With eye-opening stories, clinical insights, and up-to-date data, Dave Carder reveals what adulterers learned the hard way—and what they want the rest of us to know to save us the pain. Dave Carder, counselor and author of the bestselling Torn Asunder (100,000 in print), is a sought-after expert on issues of adultery. Here he helps you make your marriage adultery-proof by showing you: How attractions can lead to affairs Ways you may be vulnerable to affairs The common ingredients of adultery How to restore intimacy to your marriage How to make wise, protective decisions Marriage is too sacred to be taken casually. Affairs are a very real threat, and they can destroy lives and families. For this reason, Anatomy of an Affair should be on every church leader’s and marriage counselor’s required reading list, and in the home of every married couple. Includes charts and assessments to understand and guard against affairs. This book is the revised edition of Close Calls (2008)

One of the world’s leading experts on infidelity provides a step-by-step guide through the process of infidelity—from suspicion and revelation to healing, and provides profound, practical guidance to prevent infidelity and, if it happens, recover and heal from it. You’re right to be cautious when you hear these words: “I’m telling you, we’re just friends.” Good people in good marriages are having affairs. The workplace and the Internet have become fertile breeding grounds for “friendships” that can slowly and insidiously turn into love affairs. Yet you can protect your relationship from emotional or sexual betrayal by recognizing the red flags that mark the stages of slipping into an improper, dangerous intimacy that can threaten your marriage.

"One of the foremost relationship experts at work today applies the insights of science toward understanding the real meaning of trust between a couple. He decodes the "why" behind betrayal and shows how partners can avoid or recover from unfaithfulness and maintain a loving relationship.Dr. John Gottman, the country's pre-eminent researcher on marriage, is famous for his Love Lab at the University of Washington in Seattle where he deciphers the mysteries of human relationships through scientific research. His thirty-five years of exploration have earned him numerous major awards, including from the National Institute of Mental Health, the American Psychological Association, and the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. Now, Dr. Gottman offers surprising findings and advice on the characteristic that is at the heart of all relationships: Trust. Dr. Gottman has developed a formula that precisely calculates any couple's loyalty level. The results determine a relationship's likely future, including the potential for one or both partners to stray. A Love You Can Trust shows couples how to bolster their trust level and avoid what Dr. Gottman calls the "Roach Motel for Lovers." He describes how the outcome of--"sliding door moments," small pivotal points between a couple, can lead either to more emotional connection or to discontent. He suggests a new approach to handling adultery and reveals the varied and unexpected non-sexual ways that couples often betray each other. A Love You Can Trust guides couples through an empirically tested, trust-building program that will let them repair and maintain a long-term, intimate, and romantic relationship"--

Smile! It's not just the end of your marriage, it's the beginning of your second chance! Missy Benson has a two and a half carat diamond engagement ring with color grade H, VS2 clarity and a value of $36,000. It's absolutely gorgeous, practically flawless, and let's be honest, really big! But what the successful Chicago realtor doesn't have anymore is a husband. After 12 years of marriage, her husband, Paul, a handsome, wealthy attorney has devastated her by breaking up their marriage for Priscilla Sommerfeld, a young, personal trainer, who according to Missy's sassy assistant, J.J., looks more like a Las Vegas stripper than a fitness expert. Not sure what to do with her ring, and with no financial issues to worry about, Missy decides to put it up for sale on Craigslist. The price: 99 cents! The catch: She gets to pick the buyer. In essence, she's looking for the perfect guy, but not for herself. Her hope is to regain faith that good men do exist, and that marriages can last forever. Now referring to herself as "the divorced girl," Missy interviews dozens of young men who are vying for the huge ring. It's a contest that includes outrageous characters, hilarious and sentimental stories, and two finalists, both of whom Missy adores and who she must choose between. Then there's Parker Missoni, the sexiest contestant by far, who drives her crazy with his brutal honesty, and at the same time stops her heart with his deep brown eyes. Divorced Girl Smiling is the story of a woman's journey to do whatever it takes to heal herself from divorce. It's about acceptance, reflection, taking accountability for mistakes, and appreciating all of life's wonderful gifts. In other words, if you have the guts to put the past behind, admit your mistakes, embrace your future, and give love another chance, you will surely be a divorced girl smiling.

"When Brian told me of his affair, my whole world was shattered. Since the affair, and since the difficult recovery period, I have excelled in amazing ways in every area of my life. I look and feel better than I did when I was in my twenties. I have more energy, more zeal and more enthusiasm for life. Since I have gotten over my insecurities, I experience far better relationships with my husband, children and others. I also have more fun. No matter what tragedies happen in our lives, we always have a choice, not a choice over what will happen to us, but a choice over how we will react to it. Will we become bitter or better? I chose to become better, and now my greatest tragedy has also become my greatest personal victory." – Anne Bercht "Would I want to go back to our marriage before the affair? Not a chance! Would I have liked to have gotten to this point some other way? Absolutely! Would I recommend an affair to others so they can reach a greater love and better marriage? Absolutely not! If you have experienced an affair, is rebuilding your marriage worth it? You bet it is! As long as you love each other and are willing to do the work." – Brian Bercht