101 Ways To Not Kill Your Baby

Are you searching for the perfect gag, baby shower gift? This is a joke book! Welcome to my essential dark humor guide for new parents: '101 Ways To Not Kill Your Baby'. Written by a comedian, this guide is packed with cautionary tales that highlight the potential dangers that babies can face, and practical advice on how to keep them safe. With a dark and humorous tone, the guide covers a range of scenarios that all parents should be aware of, such as hazards in construction zones, outdoor areas, and even at home with household pets. From protecting your baby from poisonous animals to keeping harmful substances out of reach, this guide covers all the essential tips and tricks to help you protect your little one.

"This laugh-out-loud hilarious book is mandatory reading for parents, and should be taught in schools as the "cautionary tale" portion of Sex Ed. Run don't walk to buy it, and if you're a baby with lethal parents, crawl don't roll." --Rob Kutner (writer, The Daily Show, Conan, The Future According To Me) "Unlike babies themselves, copies of Jacob Sager Weinstein's book can be bought and sold on the open market. Buy two and bring joy and laughter to the lives of a copy-less couple." --Jose Arroyo (writer, Conan) "The "s-a-g-e" in Jacob's middle moniker indicates exactly that. He is a whimsically wise and hysterically funny fellow whom any child (or book buying adult) would be wise to listen to." --Dennis Miller "If you don't buy this book and then your baby dies, how are you going to feel? Pretty bad, I imagine." --Larry Doyle (writer, I Love You Beth Cooper; Go, Mutants!; The Simpsons) Have you ever read a parenting book that left you feeling inadequate and/or terrified? In other words, have you ever read any parenting book whatsoever? If so, you need How Not To Kill Your Baby, a hilarious parody of every fear-mongering, crazy-making pregnancy and parenting manual you've ever cringed over. Just consider the following advice: * "As you know if you have ever seen someone give birth in a movie or television show, all newborns emerge with adorable round faces, pudgy limbs, and twinkling eyes. If, by contrast, the nurse hands you a tiny, squawling creature with the face of an old man and skin covered in goo, hand it back immediately. There has clearly been some sort of mixup with a nearby ward for senile midgets." * "It's essential that you keep careful track of your baby's every bodily function. That way, when she is president of the United States and a paranoid-minded conspiracy movement springs up denying her eligibility for the position, you will have documentary proof that she did, in fact, poop on U.S. soil at 8:23AM on February 23." * "When choosing a nursery school, make sure to visit first, and ask the teachers about their educational philosophies. Then ask about their criminal records. If they insist they have none, you may need to keep asking, perhaps while shining a bright light in their face. Also, take their fingerprints, then follow them home from a discreet distance and go through their trash. Oh, and don't forget to thank them for their dedication to helping the young!" * "It is easy to adjust your parenting techniques as your children grow: simply do and say the exact same things, but raise your voice by one decibel for every year of your child's age." How Not To Kill Your Baby is printed on child-safe, 100% piranha-free paper, and bound without the use of exploding staples. You'll get no such promise from What To Expect When You're Expecting. How Not To Kill Your Baby is the book for you... unless you're some kind of baby-hating creep who wants to parent all wrong.

One exasperated first-time mom's tale of navigating through the frightening and baffling ordeal of a modern pregnancy.

The author and illustrator of the hilarious "Bigfoot: I Not Dead" and "Me Write Book" comes out of the woods and charges straight into the corporate jungle with this collection of deadly doodles.

""An outstanding contribution to the history of medicine and gender, "Don't Kill Your Baby" should be on the bookshelves of historians and health professionals as well as anyone interested in the way in which medical practice can be shaped by external forces." -Margaret Marsh, Rutgers University How did breastfeeding-once accepted as the essence of motherhood and essential to the well-being of infants-come to be viewed with distaste and mistrust? Why did mothers come to choose artificial food over human milk, despite the health risks? In this history of infant feeding, Jacqueline H. Wolf focuses on turn-of-the-century Chicago as a microcosm of the urbanizing United States. She explores how economic pressures, class conflict, and changing views of medicine, marriage, efficiency, self-control, and nature prompted increasing numbers of women and, eventually, doctors to doubt the efficacy and propriety of breastfeeding. Examining the interactions among women, dairies, and health care providers, Wolf uncovers the origins of contemporary attitudes toward and myths about breastfeeding. Jacqueline H. Wolf is assistant professor in the history of medicine, Department of Social Medicine, Ohio University College of Osteopathic Medicine, and adjust assistant professor, Women's Studies Program, Ohio University.

In the bestselling tradition of 101 Ways to Be a Special Mom and 101 Ways to Make Your Child Feel Special comes this invaluable book for new parents. With illustrations throughout, moms and dads will find idea after idea to help them soothe and comfort their infant during the inevitable periods of crying. Parents of colicky babies will find this book particularly helpful.

To every young lady or woman who may need a confidence boost, you can find it here in this book. Like a flower, we all blossom when we are ready. This focuses on how to take care of the natural beauty as well as knowing how to enhance it. Discovering what makes us beautiful on the inside is what makes each one of us stand out. Whether you are a beginner, advanced, or expert, Beauty Tip 101 from the Inside Out will help fill in the gaps in the beauty department. Sharing my experience in cosmetology and secrets passed down unto me, I hope to inspire and motivate everyone who reads this.

Religion without nonsense. A handbook for seekers. This book melds the best of current scholarship in religion, psychology, history, medicine and science into a life-enriching perspective for today's spiritual person. It gives you the information and shows you how to choose your own path for life-enhancing spirituality. Spirituality 101 is written by a person who has walked that walk and prospered.