Bad To The Gnome

Move over zombies and adolescent vampires. There’s a new threat in town—and it’s only twelve inches tall. How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack is the only comprehensive survival guide that will help you prevent, prepare for, and ward off an imminent home invasion by the common garden gnome. Once thought of as harmless yard decorations, evidence is mounting that these smiling lawn statues are poised and ready to wreck havoc. The danger is real. And it’s here. Class 1 gnome-slayer and gnome defense expert Chuck Sambuchino has developed a proven system—Assess, Protect, Defend, Apply—for safeguarding property, possessions, and loved ones. Strategies include step-by-step instructions for gnome-proofing the average dwelling, recognizing and interpreting the signs of a gathering hoard, and—in the event that a secured perimeter is breached—confronting and combating the attackers at close range.

In the spring of 1954, when her father announces that the family has a chance to immigrate to Canada, Theresa's life changes forever. She and her family are wartime refugees from Yugoslavia, so it shouldn't be hard to leave Austria. But the weathered barracks of Lager Lichtenstein are the only home she knows, and they are filled with family and friends she doesn't want to leave behind. As she says her good-byes, Theresa's friend Martin gives her two gifts: a package of postcards and a stone he calls the Gnome's Eye, which he says will "protect her from all things evil, living or dead." Theresa is convinced the stone has no power, but she still keeps it close as they travel on the crowded immigrant ship and when they settle into a rooming house on Kensington Avenue in Toronto. At first Theresa is afraid of everything: the other tenants in the rooming house, the rat that lives in the kitchen, learning a new language. But as time goes by, Theresa's need for the Gnome's Eye fades, until she is finally able to give it to someone who needs it more than she does.

This dazzling new collection of off-the-wall fantasies features stories from the minds of the funniest writers in the field, including Esther Friesner, Neil Gaiman, Tom Holt, Paul di Filippo, Adam Roberts and Molly Brown. Here are 35 stories guaranteed to reassure us that the next-door world will be just as mad as this one. It includes a mix of brand-new stories and rare finds or forgotten gems, with a wide range of tales to suit every taste in humour. From the missionary plunged into the bizarre initiation rituals of a lost tribe to the bloke who thought magic would help his love life, from a wizard allergic to magic who sneezes his way into chaos to a man who finds his shoes have taken over control of his life, The Mammoth Book of Comic Fantasy unfalteringly turns fantasy and horror fiction on its head and makes magic into mayhem. A welcome new shot of comic genius in the sphere of fantasy fiction.

Mr. Gnome is a grumpy little fellow. He's really quite rude and he is definitely NOT cute. So when Miss Witch asks him to kindly stop fishing in her pond, Mr. Gnome is in danger of finding out exactly what happens to gnomes who say "NO!" From author illustrator Fred Blunt comes this laugh-out-loud cautionary tale, told in a wonderfully conversational style.

His review has got to be 'in' by mid-day tomorrow ... at about 9 pm his mind will grow relatively clear, and until the small hours he will sit ... skipping expertly through one book after another and laying each one down with the comment, 'God, what tripe!' ... Then suddenly he will snap into it. All the stale old phrases--'a book that no one should miss', 'something memorable on every page'--jump into their places like iron filings obeying the magnet. Thus did George Orwell, writing forty years ago in Confessions of a Book Reviewer, describe the labours of a typical literary hack. Precious little has changed over the intervening decades; the servility of the satirical magazine Private Eye. Lord Gnome's Literary Companion assembles, in thematic order, the best of these columns to present an astringent, rude and funny survey of publishers and the published.

A cave in leads the Tim Crockett on the adventure of his life, meeting strange gnomes and their mad king.

Compiled from the notes of three zombie gnome experts (among them a Van Helsing-like zombie gnome hunter, a horticulture student, and a gardening columnist), this guide includes a detailed study of zombie gnome habits, hiding places, and offensive tactics, as well as an intimate history of the zombie gnome rise and eventual war with humanity. Empty-eyed, shambling, and hungry for human ankles, the zombie gnome population is on the rise, infesting the backyards of suburbia and attacking innocent lawn ornaments everywhere. While chances of human survival are minimal, readers can arm themselves with The Zombie Gnome Defense Guide to combat their tiny, undead enemies. Offering strategies for defense against a zombie gnome invasion, the book provides an extensive list of essential weapons and DIY home-fortification tips. Rare illustrations of zombie gnomes in their natural habitat and a priceless collection of never-before-seen photos (housed in an envelope in the back of the book) make this the go-to guide for survivalists in a zombie gnome-infested world.

In the spirit of Alice in Wonderland and The Wizard of Oz, this story introduces readers to the hidden magical—and mysterious—world of gnomes, elves, and trolls. Eleven-year-old Sarah moves with her family from New York City to rural Hadley, Connecticut. She's eager to explore her new home and meet new friends, but she never expected to befriend an old garden gnome. Readers join Sarah as she is drawn into a secret world under our feet. Sarah uses her instincts to calm old rivalries and help the underworld elves, gnomes, and more join her in the upperworld.