Gnomes In The Barn

INTRODUCTIONS TO GNOMES (if you need one) How big are Gnomes? Not very. A Gnome can ride on the back of a duck. Three Gnomes can ride on a goose. They claim that twenty can ride on a horse. But how would they get up on a horse? I don't know. If you place your thumb on the table and stretch out your little finger as high as it will go, that is about as tall as a Gnome at your age. What do Gnomes look like? Gnomes look like people do. But they have slightly larger noses and cheeks. If they were as big as we are, which they think is much too big, they would look a lot like Santa Claus without the beard. Each gnome family has its favorite color and all the clothing that family wears is in that color with white trim. What do they eat? First, they eat six meals a day. Gnomes love pancakes. They make them in many shapes and varieties. They are also very fond of rice pudding. In the last one hundred years, they have developed a taste for chocolate, especially in or on pancakes. As a rule, if a food is sweet, it is OK. Do Gnome children go to school? Only one day a year. This is one of the reasons that they think that we are not very bright. In one day, Gnome children learn the proper method of eating pancakes and how to take naps. They do not understand why it takes our children years to learn the same things. What do Gnomes think of us? They think that we are big and clumsy, which is partly true. They think that we are loud, which we are. They think that our real purpose in life is to build barns for them to sleep in and to produce and food for them to eat, which is exactly what we do.

Bimble is not a regular gnome, like the kind in fairytales or nursery rhymes. You won’t find him at a gardening store. And lastly, he’s not a Christmas decoration! Bimble is a quirky gnome with a heart of gold, strong sense of humor, and a passion for adventure, always living life to its fullest. When he’s excited, he might break out into a fit of singing and dancing. He’s always making a fashion statement with his crazy collection of gnome hats. He tries to use his gnome magic for good, but sometimes causes a little trouble. Of course, his favorite place to be is in a garden, but Bimble is looking for a new place to live. Find out what kind of craziness can happen when a gnome follows you home.

Go big or go gnome. The New York Times bestselling authors of Kill the Farm Boy welcome you to the world of Pell, the irreverent fantasy universe that recalls Monty Python and Terry Pratchett. “A complete delight, as fluffy and fun as The Lego Movie and as heartfelt as Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone.”—Locus War is coming, and it’s gonna be Pell. On one side stand the gnomes: smol, cheerful, possessing tidy cardigans and no taste for cruelty. On the other side sit the halflings, proudly astride their war alpacas, carrying bags of grenades and hungry for a fight. And pretty much anything else. It takes only one halfling bomb and Offi Numminen’s world is turned upside down—or downside up, really, since he lives in a hole in the ground. His goth cardigans and aggressive melancholy set him apart from the other gnomes, as does his decision to fight back against their halfling oppressors. Suddenly Offi is the leader of a band of lovable misfits and outcasts—from a gryphon who would literally kill for omelets to a young dwarf herbalist who is better with bees than with his cudgel to an assertive and cheerful teen witch with a beard as long as her book of curses—all on a journey to the Toot Towers to confront the dastardly villain intent on tearing Pell asunder. These adventurers never fit in anywhere else, but as they become friends, fight mermaids, and get really angry at this one raccoon, they learn that there’s nothing more heroic than being yourself. In No Country for Old Gnomes, Delilah S. Dawson and Kevin Hearne lovingly tweak the tropes of fantasy and fairy tales. Here you’ll find goofy jokes and whimsical puns, but you’ll also find a diverse, feminist, and lighthearted approach to fantasy that will bring a smile to your face and many fine cheeses to your plate.

Side part or middle part? Is Kohl’s Cash the mark of the beast? What book should be banned next? Can Mickey Mouse be stopped? Stephanie Hayes runs toward the messiest debates in our culture. This collection of short essays from the acclaimed Tampa Bay Times and Creators Syndicate columnist will take you on a journey through moments absurd, solemn and somewhere in between. Wielding a mix of droll humor and thought-provoking observation, Hayes side-eyes American life and zeroes in on her home state of Florida, where realities are often too farcical to believe. Hayes speaks across generations, making even the heaviest topics feel digestible in a world where daily news goes down like a spoonful of knives.

Countless travel books display some aspect or region of America, but USA 101 stitches together a whole crazy quilt of iconic places, events, fairs, and festivals that celebrates our country in all its quirky diversity. Whoever you are, wherever you’re going, whatever you like to do, it’s here somewhere. And if you just stay home and travel armchair-style you’ll still find this guide a vivid, often humorous, always fascinating blend of world-famous and distinctly local places and events that add up to a national portrait. Here are fivescore and one indelibly American destinations, from the Statue of Liberty to the Golden Gate Bridge, from Graceland to Disneyland; perennial sporting rituals like the Army-Navy football game, the Indy 500, the Soap Box Derby, and the Little League World Series; plus dozens more favorite institutions old and new, from Native American powwows to the Miss America Pageant and monster truck rallies. USA 101 features entertaining descriptive narratives—concise, lively sketches that capture each selection’s history and special appeal—as well as detailed practical advice and essential information for visiting. Well seasoned by eclectic, irresistible sidebars, this guide is a panorama of treasured traditions, favorite pastimes, and beloved national possessions that will surprise, amuse, and inform even the most sophisticated traveler.

‘As creative as it is absurd, Game of Gnomes is a wonderfully funny, fantasy adventure for adults.' Life for a gnome isn't easy. Every hurdle in a gnome’s life is just a little bit too big. After years apart, the three gnomes, Gassy, Borty, and Turdlet, plan to scale the tallest challenge a thief can face: The Crimicompetition. As they fight for the clout, against MagInc—a corporation of unimaginable influence—the gnomes are about to discover how small honour amongst thieves can get. And so begins the Game of Gnomes.