The Government Manual For New Pirates

There be no callin' 'dibs' in piratin'. Booty be divided among the crew, from the lowest deckswabber to the highest masthand. So says the Pirate Code." --Calico Jack Rackham, king of the pirates * Enjoy a witty mock-official handbook for potential pirates and plunderers. Matthew David Brozik and Jacob Sager Weinstein continue to spoof those uber-utilitarian survival and how-to guides by offering this pithy pirating primer for budding buccaneers. This treasure trove of Pirate Code imparts wisdom on eye patches and tricorner hats, talking the talk, walking the walk (down the plank, that is), appropriate ship names, dueling, avoiding cursed treasure, and much more.

There be no callin' 'dibs' in piratin.' Booty be divided among the crew, from the lowest deckswabber to the highest masthand. So says the Pirate Code." —Calico Jack Rackham, king of the pirates Enjoy a witty mock-official handbook for potential pirates and plunderers. Matthew David Brozik and Jacob Sager Weinstein continue to spoof those uber-utilitarian survival and how-to guides by offering this pithy pirating primer for budding buccaneers. This treasure trove of Pirate Code imparts wisdom on eye patches and tricorner hats, talking the talk, walking the walk (down the plank, that is), appropriate ship names, dueling, avoiding cursed treasure and much more.

This tongue-in-cheek parenting book is a hilarious parody of every fear-mongering, crazy-making pregnancy and parenting manual parents have ever cringed over.

Whizzing cannonballs, howling storms, rare diseases Being a pirate isn't all fun and games. But if the thought of a ton of loot spurs you on, take a firm grip on your cutlass and open this book. It's bursting with hints on everything from fearsome flags to proper pirate talk. No self-respecting sea-robber should set sail without it.

This essential guide to high seas adventure features practical pirate skills, recipes, and stories of real-life rogues. Avast, ye! For anyone who has dreamed of hitting the high seas, manning a crew, brandishing a cutlass, or burying treasure, here’s The Pirate Handbook. Part how-to, part illustrated history, this detailed manual gives insight into every aspect of the pirating life: learn how to make a seaworthy raft, navigate by the stars, brew up a batch of grog, and much more. Featuring detailed illustrations, real recipes from the Golden Age of Piracy, plus the lore of the real-life pirates who roamed the waters of the Caribbean and beyond, this is the ultimate guide for salty dogs wherever they rove the seas.

The comedic duo behind The Government Manual for New Superheroes is back, and this time they've brought their magic wands and enchanted artifacts. The Government Manual for New Wizards is a hilarious, mock-official handbook for wannabe witches and warlocks who need advice on recognizing the onset of wizardolescence, understanding the laws of magic (and the magic of laws), choosing (or being chosen by) the right magical items and enchanted artifacts, dealing with the dead (grateful and otherwise), successfully hosting magical exhibitions, and the proper care and feeding of magical creatures. Wands, charms, cloaks of invisibility, shoes of stealth (or sneakers), and other otherworldly accoutrements--it's all here, discussed tongue-in-cheek but with the utmost Governmental authority. This entertaining guide offers such sage advice as: * A demon is just as afraid of you as you are of it--provided, of course, that you are eight feet tall, composed of living fire, and capable of destroying a small village with a single angry thought. Otherwise, it doesn't find you frightening at all. * When selecting educational programs, do not be tempted by solicitations from wizardry parchment mills. A so-called degree from such a place is not worth the scroll on which it appears to be inscribed. The ink will disappear not long after the school itself does. The Government Manual for New Wizards is a sidesplitting spoof of all things wizard-y.

A humorous guide to a pirate's life on the high seas, packed with intriguing historical detail that no self-respecting sea-dog should leave port without With The Usborne Official Pirate's Handbook, young landlubbers can become the fiercest of pirates by finding out how to keep their ship in tip-top shape, the best way to settle an argument with a shipmate, and how to survive a storm at sea. This book reveals the true nature of piracy to be more fascinating than the myths of peg legs, eye patches, and parrots.

Explores the real life of a pirate, revealing how they are recruited and what they eat while at sea, naming the parts of the ship, and introducing some of the world's most famous pirates.