The Pain Behind My Smile

The Pain Behind My Smile is a true story of my journey to finding my true self. My experience of true peace, happiness, and love for myself without carrying the weight of my past hurts. If you are a parent, a survivor of child abuse, neglect, molestation, rape, physical abuse, domestic violence, emotional or mental abuse, it does not matter your sex or age. My story is for you because you matter. I did not think I mattered for years. Then, I dedicated nineteen and a half years to working with children who had been through and were dealing with the same challenges I faced as a child. I found that we as adults are too trusting with our children. We often think we know people well. They would not dare harm our children. But, unfortunately, that is so far from the truth. I have spoken to many survivors who knew their perpetrators. But unfortunately, we do not have vital conversations around inappropriate behaviors which lead to child victimization or sexual abuse. I offer suggestions of what to look for as I experienced victimization of many sorts. I am a certified Child & Youth Care Practitioner and a member of The Ohio Association of Child and Youth Care Professionals Inc. Once a foster mom turned to an adoptive parent who has a passion for working with at-risk youth. Sharing my story was an opportunity for healing. I could purge all those feelings and share my truth to free the little girl inside who endured so much. It was not an easy task to share my story. I was that little girl all over again. She set the tone.

What must we do when love is not enough? Faced with the trials and tribulations of a tumultuous marriage, Melissa discovers that the greatest love she's ever known had always been inside of her heart. Empowered to rebuild her life and arm herself with new perspective, Melissa is determined to inspire new generations, not afraid to find the joy in the resolve of compassion for others.

Are you hiding behind your smile? Do you want to be free from the hurt of your past? Well, this book is for you! Let go of the pain from your past and move forward!

Karla was a misguided youth who witnessed everything that she was supposed to be protected from. Growing up without a father in her life and a mother who didn't know how to show her love forced her to go out into the world unprepared for the realities of it. She became a mother at the age of eighteen by a man who was six years older with children. Although she never felt love at home, she still opened herself up to the possibilities of being loved and loving someone in return. That search led her to a young man whom she eventually spent eight years of her life with and shared two more children together. During their time together she suffered from mental, physical, and emotional abuse, causing her to finally get up enough courage to leave him. Single again, Karla started doing things that she never had the opportunity to do while with such a controlling man. She started to drink and go out more, which eventually caused her to make decisions that affected and disrupted her household. She met a few men and settled down with one that caught her eye. While trying to pick up the pieces of her life, she started doing a little better and was looking forward to her future without the hurt and pain that she suffered through for years. Trying to better her relationship with her siblings, she invited them to her apartment so that they could spend time together, but nothing would prepare herself for what lay ahead. One night with her family had turned her whole world upside down and left her fighting for her freedom. With everything that she had already gone through, nobody would have ever expected for her to end up in jail, not even her. Leaving behind her children, Karla had to adjust to her new life behind bars. There was no turning back now, she had to fight harder than she had ever fought before. During that fight, she was sexually assaulted by a male deputy that worked at the courthouse. Leaving her with distrust for the same people put in place to protect her, she started to give up and accept things as they were, but God didn't want that for her, so He gave her the vision and sign that she had been waiting for. After being away for almost two years, Karla was released back out into the same cold, cruel world that she was abruptly taken from and had to start rebuilding what was torn down. She also needed to repair the broken relationship with her children, but none of that would come easy for her. Battling depression, being homeless, and running into people that had taken advantage of her instead of helping only made her stronger, and after two years of parole Karla packed the few things she had along with her children and headed for a new life in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, leaving behind everything that was meant to break her and starting a new life for herself and children.

Early in Life, Adrienne learned how to masquerade her pain and harbor her secrets. Entering into early adulthood, Adrienne meets Tyrell and shortly after he pops the question. Ignoring some of the warning signs presented to her, Adrienne continued with the wedding planning. Despite her mixed feelings she felt, and not wanting to disappoint the guest, Adrienne proceeded with the wedding ceremony and unknowingly entered into a union of abuse, deceit, and pain. While contemplating her escape, Adrienne receives an unexpected phone call from a bald, sexy, and tattooed gentleman by the name of "Satin". Adrienne's and "Satin's" friendship took flight. "Satin" showed her the most memorable moments, leading Adrienne on some of the highest escapades ever. But as we all know, scientifically what goes up must come down. Suddenly, Adrienne's world is turned upside down when she is blind sided by a 3 punch combo that changes her life forever. She then search to find a way to put her life back together.

The Tears Behind my Smile is a long-life journey of an abandoned girl who faces challenges in every walk of her life and the strength she gains from each experience she suffers. It is not an autobiography with an ordinary beginning and a predictable ending; instead the book depicts a series of emotions occurring in the author's life and how she alters herself from a self-pitying girl into a strong, resilient woman. It will enlighten the readers on not to depend on anyone and become the superhero in their own story. A hard but comforting lesson to learn – Loving and forgiving your own self is important because if today you won’t do it, tomorrow you’ll see others taking advantage of your weaknesses. No matter how many mistakes you are making in your life, if you are willing to learn from everything you go through, sooner or later, you will become the best version of yourself and that without anyone else’s support.

Now in my spare time I try to write more poetry to I never knew that one day I would have books for sale like I have now I hope you all like my poetry as well And keep your eyes out as I plan on doing more poetry for you all as well

Former Miss Tennessee Leah Hulan, currently a Lieutenant in the United States Army, chronicles her battles with a tumultuous past, including sexual abuse, rape & sexual harassment in the military & the oft-times terminal disease, bulimia. Lieutenant Hulan has held the titles of Miss Tennessee, Miss Tennessee USA & was a top five finalist in the Miss USA pageant in 1995. Hulan presents a behind- the-scenes look at beauty pageants, the sacrifices made by the contestants & the psychological & emotional toll taken on the women who participate. Hulan also addresses her eating disorder & its psychological & physiological ramifications. Her poignant, first person narrative transcends the clinical explanations of the disease & provides first-hand accounts of the torturous pain caused by bulimia. A veteran of Operation Desert Storm. Hulan's recollections paint a horrifying picture of life in the service in the isolated desert. PAIN BEHIND THE SMILE is a heart-wrenching narrative account that exposes the deep, emotional turmoil that lurks beneath the beauty queen's smile. Eggman Publishing, $12.95, ISBN 1-886371-01-6, Call (615) 327-9390 for information. 2909 Poston Avenue, Suite 203, Nashville, TN 37203.