Elliot Allagash

"Fellow high school losers, use your video game money to buy this book! Simon Rich will make you relive the dread, the hilarity, and the insanity of those formative years like no one else. Open at your own peril!"—Gary Shteyngart There are things money can’t buy: integrity, honor, discipline. Unfortunately for Seymour Herson, he’s got a more pressing matter at hand: surviving eighth grade. He’s dead last in just about everything at Glendale, the Manhattan private school his parents are working so hard to keep him in. His grades are so low a C warrants a celebration. His athletic skill is limited to how much chocolate milk he can drink in one sitting. You’d think someone with such a natural knack for underachieving could at least have a pretty good social life, but Seymour’s more familiar with the lockers he’s been stuffed in than the kids they belong to. To top it off, being bullied constantly lands him in detention along with his tormentors. His newest? Elliot Allagash, heir to the Allagash fortune, descendant of the inventor of paper, particularly talented at pushing kids down the stairs. But Elliot’s interest seems to go beyond run-of-the-mill bullying. Bored with being forced to study alongside commoners, Elliot sees a golden opportunity to bring chaos to Glendale’s entire social order: Seymour. Set on transforming Seymour into the most popular and successful kid in school, Elliot takes matters into his own evil little hands. With his vast amount of money and questionable connections, making Elliot a superstar should be a piece of cake. If a few lives get ruined in the process, that’s just a happy little coincidence. If only Seymour wasn’t so dead set on being nice. “Reading this hilarious morality tale about the cost of that popularity makes me happy that I went through my high school years as an outsider. And it makes me even happier that Simon Rich did.”—Seth Meyers "I found Simon Rich's first novel, about an evil teenage billionaire, to be suspenseful and hilarious. I am so glad I don't have to lie in this blurb like I usually do."—Judd Apatow

Dubbed a cruel nickname for his plus-sized body, obedient eighth grader Seymour resigns himself to a lonely life before meeting an arrogant heir who uses his considerable resources to transform Seymour's image, with unexpected results.

From the Sunsets Department and Geyser Regulation to the Department of Miracles, Heaven Inc has the earth covered. Unless someone is away from their desk. And these days, the CEO is kind of disillusioned. God knows he should be keeping an eye on the bad things happening on Earth, but instead he finds himself watching the Church channels on satellite TV. His first priority is the team of angels he's asked to get Lynyrd Skynyrd back together. Downstairs on the office floor, Eliza has been promoted from the Prayers Department to Miracles, and Craig, the only other workaholic in heaven, has to show her around. Eliza is shocked by the casual attitude of many of the angels in her new department. And she's furious when she discovers that God has never looked at, let alone answered, a single prayer. So she storms into God's office and asks Him a question that no one has ever dared to ask before. And it might just be the end of the world.

Having skewered the problems of falling in and out of love in The Last Girlfriend on Earth, Simon Rich's next book is another subject we can all relate to: parents and their kids. From the perils of raising an actual monster in Manhattan - it's pretty hard to find teachers who really understand the talents of a five-year-old with horns and a taste for blood - to Sell Out, the story of Simon's ancestor, returned to life decades after an industrial accident involving pickling brine, these stories are inventive, witty and sometimes a bit too much like real life.

God decides to close up shop on Earth -- unless two idealistic angels can make a miracle happen Welcome to Heaven, Inc., the grossly mismanaged corporation in the sky. For as long as anyone can remember, the founder and CEO (known in some circles as "God") has been phoning it in. Lately, he's been spending most of his time on the golf course. And when he does show up at work, it's not to resolve wars or end famines, but to Google himself and read what humans have been blogging about him. When God decides to retire (to pursue his lifelong dream of opening an Asian Fusion restaurant), he also decides to destroy Earth. His employees take the news in stride, except for Craig and Eliza, two underpaid angels in the lowly Department of Miracles. Unlike their boss, Craig and Eliza love their jobs - uncapping city fire hydrants on hot days, revealing lost keys in snow banks - and they refuse to accept that earth is going under. The angels manage to strike a deal with their boss. He'll call off his Armageddon, if they can solve their toughest miracle yet: getting the two most socially awkward humans on the planet to fall in love. With doomsday fast approaching, and the humans ignoring every chance for happiness thrown their way, Craig and Eliza must move heaven and earth to rescue them - and the rest of us, too.

Simon Rich's BBC Radio 4 series of the same name will be broadcast in June The world is a bewildering place and we're ill-equipped to deal with it. From the horrors of childhood to the vagaries of old age, from confused people to humiliated animals, we're all just trying - and often failing - to keep it together. How carefully should you answer when asked what you'd take to a desert island? What do you do if your parents are reading your diary? How useful is a Swiss Army Knife? And what's A Brief History of Time really about? Armed with a sharp eye for the absurd and an overwhelming sense of doom, Simon Rich explores the ridiculousness of our everyday lives, from the most minute of anxieties to one of life's biggest questions: Does God really have a plan for us? Yes, it turns out. Now if only He could remember what it was ... 'Simon Rich is very much laugh-out-loud funny. He can conjure authentic, from-the-abdomen laughter on almost every page. He stacks surrealism on top of slick satire on top of pure childish silliness in such a brilliant and condensed way, there are sometimes three laugh-out-loud moments within the same paragraph ... He is exactly the right kind of writer for the internet: funny, high-concept, accessible, short, sharable, a James Thurber for the Twitter age' Matt Haig

It doesn't matter if you're a caveman, a time traveller or a regular person. Sooner or later, someone's going to break your heart. The sketches in Simon Rich's new book are bizarre, funny, and - if you've ever been in love - all too familiar. From the invisible man stalking his ex, to Sherlock Holmes' only blind spot, The Last Girlfriend on Earth is always enchanting, often sweet, though occasionally awkward. Just like love itself. 'The Last Girlfriend On Earthis silly, surreal, sometimes sad and always laugh-out-loud funny. This collection will have you giggling/crying/squirming in recognition, and wondering what exactly Simon Rich has eaten to dream all this stuff up ... pulls off the tough trick of being both heart-warming and hilarious - it's a must-read if you've ever so much as had a crush on someone' Heat 'Pithy, occasionally bonkers' Time Out 'Truly hilarious' Eva Wiseman, Observer