Grief Dialogues

Grief Dialogues: The Book harnesses the power of words and images to combat grief. Sometimes the stories are funny. Sometimes hopeful. Sometimes inspiring. Always heartfelt, honest, and reflective. Proceeds of this book are donated to People's Memorial Association (PMA) since 1939, and to the Funeral Consumers Alliance (FCA).

Have you lost a loved one? The loss can be inestimable, the grief excruciating. What helped you? Did someone say something comforting? Did someone offer a consolation, which you resented? Have you ever tried to comfort someone with a terminal illness or one who has lost a loved one? Knowing how to help or what to say that is not trite, insincere, or superficial can be difficult. The point of view of a grieving person is quite different from that of those who wish to offer comfort. In a multicultural society such as ours, anticipating the beliefs of the grieving person can be even more difficult. This book explores the perspective of a grieving person. It considers the merits and potential harm of alternative comfort strategies. As a philosophical analysis of grief, it emphasizes an understanding of the beliefs that underlie grief and the usefulness or dangers of emotions. Because grief is so complex and sensitive, a narrow approach runs the risk of alienating the grieving person. The ideas in this book are expressed in a dialogue among three characters. Their discussion is broad and fundamental. Starting from the familiar consolation, “She’s no longer suffering” and the grieving person’s resentment toward the expression, the three friends articulate the value of life and the evils of death. Their discussion enriches their understanding of grief. Many consolations offered to mourners are poor arguments. Even the better ones do their work best in the context of a greater understanding of grief.

This book is a timely and relevant book for psychotherapists and psychoanalysts who process loss both in their own lives and in the lives of their patients, offering perspectives from a range of theoretical backgrounds, clinical vignettes and personal insights. This volume addresses the scope of grief and mourning between the therapeutic dyad, and carefully examines how the patient and therapist experience intersect and imbue the analytic space and the therapeutic process. The book examines personal loss of parents and partners, as well as loss generated by mass trauma through the lens of the Holocaust, the immigrant experience, the COVID-19 pandemic and the environment. There are chapters that cover how the lost other continues to live within one’s mind, and within the analytic relationship, how loss impacts one’s internal self system, and how loss associated with traumatic experience with the deceased continues to reverberate. With a unique focus on the therapist’s personal experience of loss, and how it shapes the clinical situation, as well as a broad range of perspectives on managing and working with loss in patients, this is an invaluable book for all practicing psychoanalysts and psychotherapists.

Conventional grief models focus on the bereaved, including actions that they need to take to get back to normalcy following the death of a loved one. This book suggests that it might be helpful in the grieving process to focus on the deceased, instead. Research points to the benefits of altruistic acts and thoughts, including improvements in mood. Altruistic acts and thoughts also could be extended to the deceased, who in death has experienced a loss as well. By taking on the perspective of and being empathic toward the deceased, a “response shift” occurs that could result in mood improvement and happiness in the bereaved. The book provides guidelines for this alternative grief model in the death of a child, of a teenager, of a spouse/partner, and of a sibling; and in multiple deaths and in persistent grief experience among others. Based on motivational principles, a workbook is also provided for monitoring progress in coping with bereavement. Comprehension questions and additional readings are provided in each chapter to help the reader further explore the topic at hand. This book would be useful in a course on death, dying and bereavement; to healthcare practitioners/bereavement counsellors; and to scholars in death, dying and bereavement across different fields including psychology, sociology, social work, public health and religion. Most grief models focus on the bereaved, including actions the survivor needs to take to get back to normalcy after a loss. However, in the grieving process it might be helpful if attention is shifted to the deceased, instead. The bereaved, by doing things she or he perceives as pleasing to the deceased, might receive healing and satisfaction in return. Lisa Farino (2010) notes that there is no shortage of research pointing to the beneficial effects of focusing on others. In a study by Carolyn Schwartz and Rabbi Meir Sendor (1999), lay people with a chronic disease were trained to provide compassionate, unconditional regard to others who had the same illness. The results showed that the providers of care and compassion reported better quality of life than the recipients of care and compassion, even though both givers and receivers had the same disease. The givers showed profound improvements in confidence, self-awareness, self-esteem, depression, and in role functioning. The researchers emphasized the beneficial importance of “response shift” (the shifting of internal standards, values, and concept definition of health and well-being) in dealing with one’s own adversity. Farino (2010) notes that this research is profound because in western culture the belief is that feeling happy tends to be getting something for yourself. There are biological origins to the notion that “it’s better to give than to receive.” Using the functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI), researchers were able to demonstrate a connection between brain activity and giving. People who gave voluntarily and also for a good cause experienced more activation of the part of brain that controls for pleasure and happiness (e.g, Harbaugh, Mayr & Burghart, 2007). Studies show that about 7% of the US population experience complicated or prolonged grief disorder (e.g., Kersting et al, 2011). This is persistent grief that does not go away, and many parents tend to experience this after the loss of a child. In their study Catherine Rogers and colleagues (2008) found bereaved parents reporting more depressive symptoms, poorer well-being and more health problems after a child’s loss almost 20 years later. Survivors usually show concern about how their deceased loved ones felt prior to death and if happy or not in the afterlife (e.g., Eyetsemitan & Eggleston, 2002). A study reported respondents used emotion discrete terms such as sad, happy or angry to describe the faces of deceased persons. The researchers suggested that the perceived emotional state of a deceased loved one could impact on the survivor’s mourning trajectory (e.g., Eyetsemitan & Eggleston, 2002). The bereavement model of placing focus on the deceased instead, provides an alternative to existing bereavement models, in helping the survivor to cope with a loss.

As a result of her own experience with many kind of loss, Stephanie Ericsson offers an intimate, profoundly touching guide for those in grief, legitimizing the complex and often taboo emotions we all feel when loss transforms our lives. In Companion Through the Darkness, Stephanie Ericsson defines grief as "the constant reawakening that things are now different." Using a very simple format -- which combines excerpts from her own diary writings with brief essays -- she vividly speaks the language of loss and captures the contradictory, wrenching, and chaotic emotions of grief. The book can be opened at any point to chapters no more than a few pages long on such themes as: Abandonment: The sudden state I am forced into. I no longer belong to you. I no longer belong to anyone. Rage: The state I use to survive seemingly moments of intolerable pain. Humor: The backside of agony. Pity: The look on people's faces when they haven't a clue what to say to me. Transition: The moments, strung out over months, when I know I am no longer the woman I was, but not quite the woman I am becoming. The result is compelling, intimate, and heartbreakingly truthful -- a book that promises to be enormously sought-after support and touchstone for all those making their own journey through grief.

This core, introductory textbook for undergraduate and graduate-level courses is the first to combine the knowledge and skills of counseling psychology with current theory and research in grief and bereavement. The second edition has been updated to reflect important new research and changes in the field, including insights on complicated grief, resilience after adverse life experiences, and compassion-based approaches to death, loss, and grief. It discusses the implications of the DSM-5’s omission of the bereavement exclusion for the diagnosis of a major depressive disorder. A completely new chapter on the social context of loss addresses social messages, grieving rules, workplace policies, and the disenfranchisement of many aspects of normal, health grief. The text also touches upon three new therapies for complicated grief that have been developed by major researchers in the field. New case scenarios further enrich the second edition.

The quiet letting go of Autumn, the reflective stillness of Winter, the bright rebirth of Spring, and the flourishing warmth of Summer trace the natural path of grief as it grows and changes to fit the spaces left behind by those we love. Easy-to-use exercise guides and activities invite readers to explore the changeable nature of grief through the ebb and flow of the seasons. As well as contributions from diverse creative practitioners, poems from Dr. Robert Neimeyer and reflections from Claudia Coenen create a starting point to delve into the emotional context of each chapter, encouraging the reader to view each personal account and case study through the lens of a different phase of grief. This heart-centred, compassionate approach infuses bereavement therapy with much-needed warmth, supporting clinically-proven techniques to guide users towards practical, healthy ways of processing their loss. Bringing together voices and art from across the spectrum of creative grief therapy, Coenen provides an accessible, compassionate guide to supporting those coping with bereavement throughout their journey.

Have you lost a loved one? The loss can be inestimable, the grief excruciating. What helped you? Did someone say something comforting? Did someone offer a consolation, which you resented? Have you ever tried to comfort someone with a terminal illness or one who has lost a loved one? Knowing how to help or what to say that is not trite, insincere, or superficial can be difficult. The point of view of a grieving person is quite different from that of those who wish to offer comfort. In a multicultural society such as ours, anticipating the beliefs of the grieving person can be even more difficult. This book explores the perspective of a grieving person. It considers the merits and potential harm of alternative comfort strategies. As a philosophical analysis of grief, it emphasizes an understanding of the beliefs that underlie grief and the usefulness or dangers of emotions. Because grief is so complex and sensitive, a narrow approach runs the risk of alienating the grieving person. The ideas in this book are expressed in a dialogue among three characters. Their discussion is broad and fundamental. Starting from the familiar consolation, "She's no longer suffering" and the grieving person's resentment toward the expression, the three friends articulate the value of life and the evils of death. Their discussion enriches their understanding of grief. Many consolations offered to mourners are poor arguments. Even the better ones do their work best in the context of a greater understanding of grief.