Ross O Carroll Kelly Ps I Scored The Bridesmaids

So there I was, roysh, twenty-three years of age, still, like, gorgeous and rich, living off my legend as a schools rugby player, scoring the birds, being the man, when all of a sudden, roysh, life becomes a total mare. I don't have a Betty Blue what's wrong, but I can't eat, can't sleep, I don't even want to do the old beast with two backs, which means a major problem, and we're talking big time here. Normally my head is so full of, like thoughts, but now I'm down to just one: Sorcha, I'm playing it Kool and the Gang, but this is basically scary. I mean, I'm Ross O'Carroll-Kelly, for fock's sake, I don't do love. With a new introduction by Paul Howard, Ross's representative on, loike, earth.

So there I was, roysh, twenty-three years of age, still, like, gorgeous and rich, living off my legend as a schools rugby player, scoring the birds, being the man, when all of a sudden, roysh, life becomes a total mare. I don't have a Betty Blue what's wrong, but I can't eat, can't sleep, I don't even want to do the old beast with two backs, which means a major problem, and we're talking big time here. Normally my head is so full of, like thoughts, but now I'm down to just one: Sorcha, I'm playing it Kool and the Gang, but this is basically scary. I mean, I'm Ross O'Carroll-Kelly, for fock's sake, I don't do love.

So there I was, roysh, class legend, schools rugby legend, basically all-round legend, when someone decides you can't, like, sit the Leaving Cert four times. Well that put a focking spanner in the works. But joining the goys at college wasn't the mare I thought it would be, basically for, like, three major reasons: beer, women and more women. And for once I agree with Fionn about the, like, education possibilities. I mean, where else can you learn about Judge Judy, laminating fake IDs and, like, how to order a Ken and snog a girl at the same time? I may be beautiful, roysh, but I'm not stupid and this much I totally know: college focking rocks.

So there I was, roysh, twenty-three years of age, still, like, gorgeous and rich, living off my legend as a schools rugby player, scoring the birds, being the man, when all of a sudden, roysh, life becomes a total mare. I don't have a Betty Blue what's wrong, but I can't eat, can't sleep, I don't even want to do the old beast with two backs, which means a major problem, and we're talking big time here. Normally my head is so full of, like thoughts, but now I'm down to just one: Sorcha, I'm playing it Kool and the Gang, but this is basically scary. I mean, I'm Ross O'Carroll-Kelly, for fock's sake, I don't do love.

This is the latest instalment of the misadventures of Ross O'Carroll-Kelly - a hysterical satire of beer, bonking and rugby!

Since inheriting a pile in Killiney, Ross O'Carroll-Kelly - schools rugby legend, lover of the ladeez and award-winning author - can add a new string to his not inconsiderable (you know what I mean) bow - lord of the manor. Downturn Abbey is the story of how he tackles his new responsibilities. Or not. The century is not yet a teenager, yet everything is shrouded in gloom. People are tightening their belts, rationing and making do. Across Europe, there is uncertainty, with the possibility of, like, serious conflict hanging in the air. Yet, amidst the splendour of Honalee - a mock-something-or-other mansion that Ross and Sorcha recently inherited - life goes on. The world is changing quickly - especially for Ross. As he stares down the barrel of middle age, he has decided that it's time to possibly do right by Sorcha and put their marriage back together. But he has even bigger challenges to face. His son has hitched his future to a family of commoners, his old dear is involved in a love affair that threatens disgrace for the family, and his daughter has turned into the worst little madam you can imagine. Oh, yeah, and he is about to become a grandfather at 31. As Sorcha embraces her new life of afternoon teas on fine bone china plates and Downton Abbey theme porties, he is suddenly wrestling with duty, loyalty and the thousands of women out there who still desire the pleasure of his company. Downturn Abbey is the thirteenth novel in Paul Howard's 'Ross O'Carroll-Kelly' series. Ross books - annual No 1 bestsellers - have sold over half a million copies, are annually nominated for the Popular Fiction prize at the Irish Book Awards - where they have twice won the prize - and are also critically acclaimed as satirical masterpieces. Titles include The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nightdress, Should have Got off at Sydney Parade, This Champagne Mojito is the Last Thing I Own, Rhino What You Did Last Summer, NAMA Mia!, The Oh My God Delusion (chosen as Ireland's favourite book in Eason's 2011 125th birthday poll) and The Shelbourne Ultimatum.

Dara's mum is going to have a new baby. So, Dara will soon be a big brother! Being a big brother isn't going to be easy so Dara decides to practise. But what does a big brother do for a little baby?And how can Dara learn?

So there I was, roysh, putting the 'in' in 'in crowd', hanging out, pick of the babes, bills from the old pair to fund the lifestyle I, like, totally deserve. But being a schools rugby legend has its downsides, roysh, like all the total knobs wanting to chill in your, like, reflected glory, and the bunny-boilers who decide they want to be with me and won't take, like, no for an answer. And we're talking totally here. Basically, it may look like a champagne bath with, like, Nell McAndrew, with, like, no clothes and everything, but I can tell you, roysh, those focking bubbles can burst. And when they do ... OH MY GOD! Ross O'Carroll-Kelly is all meat and no preservatives, roysh, at least, that's what it says in the can in, like, one particular south Dublin girls' school, which shall remain nameless, roysh, basically to protect the names of the guilty. You know who you are.