Confessions Of A Scary Mommy

Sometimes I just let my children fall asleep in front of the TV. In a culture that idealizes motherhood, it’s scary to confess that, in your house, being a mother is beautiful and dirty and joyful and frustrating all at once. Admitting that it’s not easy doesn’t make you a bad mom; at least, it shouldn’t. If I can’t survive my daughter as a toddler, how the hell am I going to get through the teenage years? When Jill Smokler was first home with her small children, she thought her blog would be something to keep friends and family updated. To her surprise, she hit a chord in the hearts of mothers everywhere. I end up doing my son’s homework. It’s wrong, but so much easier. Total strangers were contributing their views on that strange reality called motherhood. As other women shared their stories, Jill realized she wasn’t alone in her feelings of exhaustion and imperfection. My eighteen month old still can’t say “Mommy” but used the word “shit” in perfect context. But she sensed her readers were still holding back, so decided to start an anonymous confessional, a place where real moms could leave their most honest thoughts without fearing condemnation. I pretend to be happy but I cry every night in the shower. The reactions were amazing: some sad, some pee-in-your-pants funny, some brutally honest. But they were real, not a commercial glamorization. I clock out of motherhood at 8 P.M. and hide in the basement with my laptop and a beer. If you’re already a fan, lock the bathroom door on your whining kids, run a bubble bath, and settle in. If you’ve not encountered Scary Mommy before, break out a glass of champagne as well, because you’ll be toasting your initiation into a select club. I know why some animals eat their young. In chapters that cover husbands (The Biggest Baby of Them All) to homework (Didn’t I Already Graduate?), Confessions of a Scary Mommy combines all-new essays from Jill with the best of the anonymous confessions. Sometimes I wish my son was still little—then I hear kids screaming at the store. As Jill says, “We like to paint motherhood as picture perfect. A newborn peacefully resting on his mother’s chest. A toddler taking tentative first steps into his mother’s loving arms. A mother fluffing her daughter’s prom dress. These moments are indeed miraculous and joyful; they can also be few and far between.” Of course you adore your kids. Of course you would lay down your life for them. But be honest now: Have you ever wondered what possessed you to sign up for the job of motherhood? STOP! DO NOT OPEN THIS BOOK UNTIL YOU RECITE THESE VOWS! I shall remember that no mother is perfect and my children will thrive because, and sometimes even in spite, of me. I shall not preach to a fellow mother who has not asked my opinion. It’s none of my damn business. I shall maintain a sense of humor about all things motherhood.

Based on the hugely popular Web site, ScaryMommy.com, this book takes an irreverent look at the unglamorous side of parenting and tackles the issues many mothers are too afraid to expose.

From New York Times bestselling author and acclaimed “Scary Mommy” blogger Jill Smokler comes a funny and practical guide filled with essays, recipes, and tried-and-true tips sure to get any parent through the holiday season—without losing your marbles. Ah, the holidays: a time of joy, celebration, serenity, and peace… Unless, of course, you have whiny, screaming children demanding presents, attention, and a personal appearance by Santa or Judah the Maccabee. Then you’re screwed. But wait, there’s hope: Scary Mommy Guide to Surviving the Holidays to the rescue! Yes, in this handy holiday guide, you’ll find everything you need to survive the fall/winter rush of cheer in style, and without having a mental breakdown. From relatable, hilarious essays on everything from the Santa myth to being seated at the dreaded kids’ table, to easy-to-follow recipes that might include just a little something special to take the edge off (can anyone say Kahlua?), to fun and accessible gift ideas, this book is your ticket to peace of mind—and a laugh—during the busy, crazy holiday season!

From the New York Times bestselling author of Confessions of a Scary Mommy and the wildly popular blog ScaryMommy.com, a hilarious new essay collection that exposes the “vicious lies” that every parent is told. Newly pregnant and scared out of her mind, Jill Smokler lay on her gynecologist’s examination table and was told the biggest lie she’d ever heard in her life: “Motherhood is the most natural thing in the world.” Instead of quelling her nerves like that well intentioned nurse hoped to, Jill was instead set up for future of questioning exactly what DNA strand she was missing that made the whole motherhood experience feel less than natural to her. Wonderful? Yes. Miraculous? Of course. Worthwhile? Without a doubt. But natural? Not so much. Jill’s first memoir, the New York Times bestseller Confessions of a Scary Mommy, rocketed to national fame with its down and dirty details about life with her three precious bundles of joy. Now Jill returns with all-new essays debunking more than twenty pervasive myths about motherhood. She’s here to give you what few others will dare: The truth.

Mothers' hilarious, outrageous, heartfelt admissions "Sometimes I lock myself in the bathroom." "I put an educational DVD on so I could have sex. It wasn't with my husband." Romi Lassally provides a judgment-free zone where women can reveal their mommy misdemeanors. From not feeling like cleaning up vomit in the middle of the night, to barking something completely inappropriate to the children, to wanting to be pawed by hands that aren't covered in jelly, the confessions pour in daily. Heartfelt and hilarious, naughty and nasty, frank and outrageous, the confessions culled together for this book represent the best-or the worst?-of those humbling hidden secrets of motherhood in all its glorious messiness as improvisation and triage. They dare to suggest that it's okay for moms to make mistakes, to have unkind thoughts, to publicly or privately embarrass themselves-and above all to be human.

A USA TODAY Bestseller A Washington Post Noteworthy Book Funny, honest, and inspiring for readers feeling overwhelmed by life, Everyone But Myself is like a best friend’s story of how she returned to solid ground while embracing chaos along the way. For Julie, an elementary school librarian and mother of two boys, there was no time for debilitating anxiety. Yet the terrifying aftershocks of her first panic attack left her grappling with questions about the causes of her mental health crisis and where it would lead next. What follows is a hopeful, honest account of love and loss, a husband who can’t read minds, disastrous family outings, and finding a path (with help from loved ones and a few key new friends) to the joy of a well-lived life. Sure to resonate with mothers spread thin by the demands of modern family life, Everyone But Myself offers an intimate portrait of how one woman found her way back to herself.

How to Blog a Book teaches you how to create a blog book with a well-honed and uniquely angled subject and targeted posts—and how to build the audience necessary to convince agents and publishers to make your blog into a book. Inside you'll find: • Basic information on how to set up your blog and the essential plug-ins and other options necessary to get the most out of each post • Steps for writing a book easily from scratch using blog posts • Advice on how to write blog posts • Tips on gaining visibility and promoting your work both online and off • Tools for driving traffic to your blog • Information on how to monetize an existing blog into a book or other types of products • Profiles with authors who received blog-to-book deals Author Nina Amir explains how writing a book in cyberspace allows you to get your book written easily, while promoting it and building an author's platform. It's a fun, effective way to start writing, publishing, and promoting a book, one post at a time.

Green-Light Your Book is a straight-shooting guide to a changing industry. Written for aspiring authors, previously published authors, and independent publishers, it explains the ever-shifting publishing landscape and helps indie authors understand that they’re up against the status quo, and how to work within the system but also how to subvert the system in order to succeed. Publishing expert and independent publisher Brooke Warner is fearless in her critique of an industry that’s lost its mandate, and in so doing has opened the door wide for indie publishers to thrive. While she does not shy away from calling out the bias against indie authors, she also asserts that it’s never been a more exciting time to be in book publishing—and her passion and enthusiasm are contagious. “If you’re going to green-light your work, you have to wow,” Warner writes. But to surpass expectations, you also need to be a student of publishing and to be able to hold your own with book buyers, event coordinators, librarians, wholesalers, distributors, and reviewers. Green-Light Your Book seeks to equip authors and publishers with the language, knowledge, and skill sets they need to play big.