Vampire Survival Guide

"Being bitten by and turned into a vampire isn't the glitz and glamor that Hollywood makes it out to be. In fact, one out of five newly turned vampires will succumb to a slew of easily avoidable and common pitfalls. "Count" Domenick Dicce has written the definitive how-to guide that just might save your pale, ice-cold skin"--

Vampires have walked among us for thousands of years. These reanimated corpses survive by draining and consuming the blood of the living, and their threat to humanity cannot be ignored. Throughout the centuries, professors and peasants have offered their own vampire-fighting tips, but these were often old wives' tales, based more on superstition than on fact. Here, for the first time, is a comprehensive vampire-fighting guide for the twenty-first century. In the tradition of bestsellers like The Zombie Survival Guide and The Zen of Zombie, The Vampire Survival Guide covers everything you need to know to protect yourself from vampires. Topics include the habits and routines of vampires, how to tell if somebody you know has become a vampire, how to protect yourself from attack, how to set traps, what to do if you must fight off multiple vampires, how to cleanse an entire town after devastating vampiric attacks, and much more. It confronts head-on the most terrifying situation of all—that of being bitten by a vampire—by providing the reader with numerous approaches, rooted in both science and medicine and religion, for fighting off blood-suckers before it is too late. Vampires are found in every country in the world—not just in Eastern Europe and Sunnydale, California. With the human population expected to reach over 9 billion by the year 2050, confrontations between men, women, children, and vampires are increasingly inevitable. This guide is the human race's best hope.

Stories on how to protect yourself or hunt down and destroy the undead have been passed down in hushed whispers throughout the centuries. But these were often old wives¿ tales, based more on superstition than fact. Here is a complete (yet humorous) vampire-fighting guide for the 21st century: How to tell if someone you know is turning into a vampire; How to fortify your home in times of vampire uprisings; The best tactics and techniques for fighting off multiple vampires; How to use traps for vampires (and what to do when you catch one); How to deal with troublesome humans during periods of vampire attacks; And what to do in the most terrifying situation of all -- when YOU have been bitten by a vampire. Illustrations.

In the tradition of bestsellers like "The Zombie Survival Guide" and "The Zen of Zombie," this work covers everything readers need to know to protect themselves from vampires. Topics include how to tell if somebody has become a vampire, how to set vampire traps, and more.

There are plenty of ways an apocalypse could hit. Most folks these days are worried about zombies. Thank you The Walking Dead. Honestly people, if you avoid a herd, have you considered how absolutely rotten stupid a zombie really is? Folks are worried about asteroids striking the earth. Climate change. Bird flu. System collapse. Genetically modified organisms. You name it, there's an apocalyptic terror of choice. Heck, you could go with the original and be worried about Judgment Day and the fact that all the explaining in the world isn't gonna get you out of trouble with the Big Guy. But the one that people just insist on thinking is totally fiction in spite of all the evidence to the contrary is the fact that old and powerful immortal - or near immortal - beings walk among us. They're called vampires. They exist in the shadows. They lead elite lives - and they have a political agenda. The reason vampires are seen as hip, fictional creatures is because that's exactly how they want us to see them. This class of "monster" has done a brilliant job of manipulating pop culture perception of their kind, taking themselves in less than 100 years from feared creatures of the night to their current status as a sensitive, misunderstood, subjugated minority in need of civil rights protection. Supernatural, paranormal, and survival expert Rex Cutty has plenty to say on that topic and none of it will win him the Vampire Protection League's Sympathetic Human of the Year Award. Written in his trademark, punchy, sarcastic style, Cutty's text makes one thing clear. Dead is dead. There is no misunderstanding on the subject. And dead at the fangs of a vampire is one place you don't want to be. Ignore his advice at your own peril.

When the enchantments keeping Skeleton Castle hidden start to mysteriously weakened, Maggie and Sharptooth have to contend with creatures way more scary than vegetarian vampires...

Are your vampire neighbors giving you grief? Do you want to break up with your bloodsucking partner? Perhaps you look like a vampire, but aren't one? This handy guide contains all the advice you need to survive every scenario. Never go anywhere without it.

A guide to surviving an attack by hordes of the predatory undead explains vampire history, physiology and behavior, the most effective defense strategies and how to destroy the vampire if needed.