You Re A Vampire That Sucks

Being bitten by and turned into a vampire isn’t the glitz and glamor that Hollywood makes it out to be. In fact, one out of five newly turned vampires will succumb to a slew of easily avoidable and common pitfalls within their first few months as a nightwalker—tempting garlic-laced Italian food, silver jewelry, and anything with an SPF below 1,000 will have to go. As an answer to this tragic loss of undead life, “Count" Domenick Dicce has written the definitive how-to guide that just might save your pale, ice-cold skin. This helpful tome will cover everything from Vampire 101—such as hunting, feeding, and getting used to your new powers—to Vampire Graduate Studies—such as coffin selection, the ghoulish world of vampiric social hierarchy, and the universal Laws of the Vampire. This humorous and giftable guide will be perfect for you or the vampire nut in your life, complete with illustrations throughout.

"Being bitten by and turned into a vampire isn't the glitz and glamor that Hollywood makes it out to be. In fact, one out of five newly turned vampires will succumb to a slew of easily avoidable and common pitfalls. "Count" Domenick Dicce has written the definitive how-to guide that just might save your pale, ice-cold skin"--

ARE YOU UP to your neck in bloodsucking vampire stories? Tired of those tales about dentally enhanced dark lords? Before I wrote this book I thought all vampires were night-stalking, fangpopping, bloodsucking fiends. Then I met Morning McCobb. He’s a vegan vampire who drinks a soy-blood substitute called Blood Lite. He believes staking should be a hate crime. And someday he hopes to march in a Vampire Pride Parade. He was also the first vampire to out himself and try to show people of mortality, like you and me, that vampires are just another minority with special needs. Trust me—this is like no other vampire book you’ll ever feed on. So, as my buddy Morning says, “Pop the lid, and suck it up.”

I'm a vampire and I'm your manager. I'd rather drink your blood than coffee. Your job sucks because you work for me. For years I've owned you, controlled you, and made your life miserable, but not anymore. I'm retiring and I'm sharing some secrets that just might get me killed. I don't care - I'm dead already. Vampires rule over corporate fiefdoms and control workers by the minute. You know you're working for a vampire when your manager doesn't care about your goals, your family life, and the misery you endure just to do your job. If you hate your job because of your manager, your coworkers, or because you can't afford to quit, you're probably working for a vampire. You might dream of breaking free from the corporate graveyard to pursue your life's passion. People warn you not to get your hopes up. To hell with them. Get your hopes up. Try hard and harder. Create goals. If you want to achieve you have to get your hopes up or there's nothing for you to look forward to. If you aren't willing to take a chance, come by my office, bare your neck, and I'll put you out of our misery. Vampire Management: Why Your Job Sucks is a biting look at today's corporate environment and its control of the workforce. Management consultant and author Joseph Phillips explores the dynamics of office life from the viewpoint of a bitter and aging vampire. It's an honest look at why so many workers are unhappy in their careers, feel stuck in a job they hate, and how people can escape from vampire managers. This is a read you can sink your teeth into.

"Boundary-pushing... Stories that stake a new claim on old tropes." —Publishers Weekly, starred review Eleven fresh vampire stories from young adult fiction’s leading voices in this bestselling anthology! In this delicious new collection, you’ll find stories about lurking vampires of social media, rebellious vampires hungry for more than just blood, eager vampires coming out—and going out for their first kill—and other bold, breathtaking, dangerous, dreamy, eerie, iconic, powerful creatures of the night. Welcome to the evolution of the vampire—and a revolution on the page. Vampires Never Get Old includes stories by authors both bestselling and acclaimed, including Samira Ahmed, Dhonielle Clayton, Zoraida Córdova and Natalie C. Parker, Tessa Gratton, Heidi Heilig, Julie Murphy, Mark Oshiro, Rebecca Roanhorse, Laura Ruby, Victoria “V. E.” Schwab, and Kayla Whaley. An Imprint Book "Vampire fans, sink your teeth into this satisfying collection." —Kirkus Reviews

Jody never asked to become a vampire. But when she wakes up under an alley Dumpster with a badly burned arm, an aching back, superhuman strength, and a distinctly Nosferatuan thirst, she realizes the decision has been made for her. Making the transition from the nine-to-five grind to an eternity of nocturnal prowlings is going to take some doing, however, and that's where C. Thomas Flood fits in. A would-be Kerouac from Incontinence, Indiana, Tommy (to his friends) is biding his time night-clerking and frozen-turkey bowling in a San Francisco Safeway. But all that changes when a beautiful undead redhead walks through the door...and proceeds to rock Tommy's life—and afterlife—in ways he never thought possible.

On the first anniversary of the historic day in which the vampires of America began going mainstream, the tension between vampire hero Morning's wish for a simple life and his mortal girlfriend Portia's obsession with documenting history escalates when a sinister vampire rises from the grave with a powerful thirst for revenge.